The Nobel Peace Prize, one of the most highly esteemed awards in the world. It comes with no surprise that one of Lake Central's very own students is up for the award.
Jaren Mercer lives a simple life. He wakes up every morning, puts his camo skinny jeans on one leg at a time and sags them like the rest of us, but what makes him so special? To win would put him among some of the most influential people in the world, such as Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama. However, Mercer fits right into the mix. They all preach the enlightened truth. Mercer, however, stands out from the rest. Unlike the President and the Dalai Lama, Jaren doesn't preach the teachings that were passed on from century from century, he creates his own truth.
We were able to settle down with Mercer for a interview. He gave us some insight on the new course he's teaching at Harvard Unversity, "Bitches Ain't Shit but Hoes and Tricks 101." Due to an overwhelming amount of students enrolled in the course, Mercer will have to teach the class at Gillette Stadium, the home of the defending Super Bowl Champions, the New England Patriots. "I swear foh, these hoes always lowkey plottin some shit. If it takes more than 4.6 seconds for her respond to your text, she's cheating on you fam," stated Mercer in one of his first lectures. We asked him why he slanders women on a day to day basis, he responded with "My guy I've been fucked over 17 times since my freshman year. I have more trust with Ray Rice in a elevator than with these hoes."
The astonishing thing about Jaren is his ability to withstand the plethora of obstacles thrown his way. "If I were to win, the first person to thank is my exes, they've made me everything I am today." Mercer frequently credits every flaw about him, not to himself, but to his terrible exes. As Jaren puts in his own words from his Twitter account: "@ovo_jam: If it wasn't for my ex I'd probably be a 10x better person but I'd also be 10x dumber so idk" Not surprisingly, past Nobel Peace Prize winners have said the same thing. "Man, Michelle needs to chill wit dat health food bullshit," said President Obama after receiving the NPP. "Bitches annoyed my ass so much I literally gave that shit up," said the Dalai Lama.
Mercer pulled his phone from his pocket a copious amount of times throughout the interview, exaggerating his fire tweets. "Damn boi this shits gonna get numbers," added Mercer as he thought of "chill lacking" tweets and sent them all to his draft folder. After interviewing Mercer, we sat down with all of his past exes to see how the experience of dating this enlightened individual really was. "I hated every second of it," stated one girl, "it was like dating a broken record. He was constantly arguing about something." Another girl added, "I totally agree. Like, one time I told him I was going out to eat for my grandma's 78th birthday, and he started accusing me of cheating. He was like 'Is your grandma's name Jamal?' and 'Is your grandma bought to run a Randy Moss go route into your pants?' like who's Randy Moss?" The overwhelming presence of irritation filled the room the more Mercer's exes discussed their relationship. "I literally didn't even do anything," one ex stated. "He dumped me when my dad dropped me off at his house."
Mercer hopes to spread his knowledge and preach his never ending quibble through Twitter until he raises enough funding to start his new church. The church will be called "The First 'Fuck That Bitch' of Nazarene."
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