Rising STD Rates Among Students Startle Some, Expected by Others

     Lake Central's recent income of underclassmen has helped it live up to its renowned nickname, STD Central. Recent test results show that 69% of students have contracted, passed along, or recovered from some type of sexually transmitted disease. This number has significantly risen from last years 48%. Some students were taken off guard by this statistic, not because they were unaware the diseases were going around, but because they thought they were better protected. Lucas Sanchez told LC Onion News, "I always practice the 'Big A' man, that's what my brother always taught me." Sanchez later went on to add that he was not referring to the "Big A" as abstinence, and would not clarify the exact meaning of the phrase.
     Though this new percentage took many by surprise, the Sophomore male class was not taken back at all. "We totally get laid, like all the time," one Sophomore boy reported. "Dude I sex girls so much my dick is raw," another said. We interviewed twenty sophomore boys from the football team in a group and surprisingly all twenty of them allegedly had sex multiple times. When we got the chance to interview them individually about the specifics of the sexual activity, they all avoided the subject and claimed, "She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her."
     Whether you expected the percentage rise or not, the cause is still not known. The Seniors speculate it was the Juniors fault, the Juniors speculate it was the Sophomores fault, and the Sophomores knew it was their fault. Although Lake Central's recent outbreak has made it a cesspool for viral diseases, we like to believe it makes us "one big happy family."