Global Warming Evident Due to Lack of Chill

Scientist have discovered more evidence proving global warming and attribute it to the "No Chill" on Twitter. 

On the night of March 3rd, all chill was lost on the social media site Twitter. After Mikey McClelland called Collin Zarlengo a queer, "Twitter Beef" was started among many students. Though the beef was originally between McClelland and Zarlengo, the majority of the awkwardly unwitty banter was between Mikey McClelland and Mike Frassinone. The overuse of emojis made for an incredibly awkward read for everyone involved. 

Though the two Mikes were the focus of the beef they both had support from their respective sports. The soccer team whole heartedly supporting McClelland and the hockey team, as expected, supporting Frassinone. While there was only small talk about a fight, if the two sports would fight we would see the most one sided, brutal, and violent beat downs LC has ever seen. Even with their incredible leg muscles, a round house kick could only help the soccer boys so much. 

When we approached Nick Frassinone, Mikes older brother, he said we could only conduct an interview as long as it was on the highway going 130 MPH next to his Subaru. When we approached speed and hung our heads out the window to ask questions he kept repeating "I can't hear you over my engine brah." After about two minutes of ignoring our questions, he screamed "SUBIE CREW" and sped off. 

Mike Frassinone ended the night with a tweet saying, "Since I'm not getting mentions anymore I can finally jerk off now." That's a real quote, we didn't make that one up. 

LC Men's Soccer Voted 'Gayest School Team' Ending Wrestling's 7 Year Run

Despite constant jock grabbing and rather provocative positions, the LC Wrestling team was surprisingly not voted the winners of the Annual LC Gayest Team Contest; or as some might put it, the losers. By a very close vote, the LC Soccer Team came out as the victors of the contest. 

Led by seniors Nikola Tepsic and Sam Willis, the vote seemed quite obvious amongst the school athletes. "I don't see how that's possible bro. Like, the gayest thing we do is compare our wiener sizes at team grill outs, and that's low key still pretty straight if you ask me... plus it serves as a tasty meal" states Tepsic. Willis later added that the comparison of "wiener" size has always been a trend amongst soccer players, and found the activity to be "straighter than a line."

We asked captain of the team Kyle Kil what he thought of the outcome, "Oh ya, I can totally see where you're coming. I look like a young Liberace out there prancing around." We tried contacting team goalie, Jorge Trujillo, but were unable to conduct the interview due to language barriers.

We talked to Daniel Picioski and Mikey McClelland, a Sophomore and Junior on the team, about how they plan on holding up the title they received this year. "I am definitely gay enough to keep this up, in fact I'm going for gayest on the team next season," said Picioski. "I don't understand how we can lose, day after day we try our hardest to 'out gay' each other," adds McClelland. You could see them demonstrating their determination when they walked away wearing their flamboyant joggers.

In a very close second place was not the Wrestling team, but instead the Swim Team. "This came as a huge shock to me," said swim team captain Josh Barajas, "I always found men in speedos to be rather straight." 

The seven year run of the Wrestling's Team victories was almost shot down in 2012 by the Cheer Team, when Jermey Goodale was added to the roster. However, the voting was inadmissable by the IHSAA Committee when they came to the unanimous conclusion that, "Cheerleading will never be a sport. We might as well let Marching Band be a sport if we do that."

Rising STD Rates Among Students Startle Some, Expected by Others

     Lake Central's recent income of underclassmen has helped it live up to its renowned nickname, STD Central. Recent test results show that 69% of students have contracted, passed along, or recovered from some type of sexually transmitted disease. This number has significantly risen from last years 48%. Some students were taken off guard by this statistic, not because they were unaware the diseases were going around, but because they thought they were better protected. Lucas Sanchez told LC Onion News, "I always practice the 'Big A' man, that's what my brother always taught me." Sanchez later went on to add that he was not referring to the "Big A" as abstinence, and would not clarify the exact meaning of the phrase.
     Though this new percentage took many by surprise, the Sophomore male class was not taken back at all. "We totally get laid, like all the time," one Sophomore boy reported. "Dude I sex girls so much my dick is raw," another said. We interviewed twenty sophomore boys from the football team in a group and surprisingly all twenty of them allegedly had sex multiple times. When we got the chance to interview them individually about the specifics of the sexual activity, they all avoided the subject and claimed, "She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her."
     Whether you expected the percentage rise or not, the cause is still not known. The Seniors speculate it was the Juniors fault, the Juniors speculate it was the Sophomores fault, and the Sophomores knew it was their fault. Although Lake Central's recent outbreak has made it a cesspool for viral diseases, we like to believe it makes us "one big happy family."

LC Drug Sweep Results in K-9 Unit Being "High as balls"

     During today's K-9 drug sweep, the detection dogs got "High as balls" one officers says. Reportedly, both the type and amount of drugs found was staggering to the officers performing the search. Despite Lake Centrals infamous history of previous drug busts, the administration was not expecting to find such large quantities. We were able to catch up with Officer Sidenbender at the top of the 3rd floor stairs. "It was the," *heavy breathing* "worst thing," *heavy breathing* "I've ever experienced." He then took a deep puff from his inhaler and walked away. We later found out he was talking about the three story trek up the stairs and not the drug sweep. 

     We spoke to an expert on the subject, Aaron Ali, and he told us "Man thank god I was able to throw my pound in my car before the dogs came around." Although marijuana was the majority of drugs found, it was not the only type of narcotic confiscated. 

     We approached one of the officers who had helped confiscate a 10-strip of acid. We asked him his opinion  on how the acid got into the school, "How does anything really get here man? Like how did we get here?" He had more to say but we left when he started asking us if we thought dragons were real. 

Sodium Levels Among Junior Class Rise: Are Sophomores to Blame?

Recent studies have shown that the sodium levels among the Junior class have risen significantly. While doctors haven't pinpointed the exact cause of such salt, they are suspecting it's due to the Sophomore class. Many believe the Juniors are realizing that they are past their prime and the Seniors are "Upgrading to a newer model" as one LC Senior puts it. When asked to comment about the Sophomores, one 'Faboulous' LC Junior stated "Like I don't even care, they're so irrelevant. Like Bye?" She later added "Like I'm just trying to turn up tonight" as she walked away. Though the Junior class refuses to acknowledge the amount of salt being thrown around, Twitter shows a different opinion. Tweets such as "I feel like I'm watching 50 Shades of Salt" and "There's more salt on twitter than the school lunches" show that the presence of salt is high and rising among the Junior class. We asked some Senior girls what their cure for the rising sodium would be, since they experienced similar obstacles last year. One Senior told LC Onion News that the Juniors girls need to "grow up" though this was said reluctantly because "we're leaving this hell-hole in three months anyways."