Meet The Staff Behind LC Onion

There has been a lot of skepticism behind who the authors of LC Onion could possibly be. Rumors and names have been tossed around the halls of Lake Central since the release of the first story; and we are here to set the facts straight. Today marks the end of the era of poorly written satirical articles about the daily life at Lake Central. Today, we reluctantly present to you the authors and staff of the Lake Central Onion.

Sam Willis

Co-Writer, Designated Driver Drinker, District Configuration Strategist 

Samuel "Swillis" Willis lives a secluded life in his bedroom, where he drowns his sorrows in gallons of assorted alcoholic beverages and pounds of beef jerky. After his dreams of being a professional race car driver were shattered, much like his Ford Focus, Willis switched gears and headed towards a different approach to life. His life took a 180 degree turn when he meet his fiancee, Caitlyn Jenner. Much like Jenner, Willis had to explore his sexuality to find his true meaning in life, and after several vasectomies, he found out his true passion in life was bird feeding. Today, you could find Swillis in your local neighborhood park tossing unsolicited  fragments of junk he found in nearby trashcans, in hopes to catch the attention of one lonely bird to make his mate.

"They misunderestimated me." -Sam Willis

Colin Chenoweth

Co-Writer, Local Two-Timing Philanderer, Forward Optimization Facilitator 

Colin "Douchebag" Chenoweth joins us from his humble home in Portage, IN, where he started the first several years of his life with ambition to be a typical redneck. With a tobacco addiction starting at the mere age of 27 months, Chenoweth began joining dip spitting competitions across the nation. At the age of 6 years old, he won his first National Championship against former champions Robert E. Lee and Ricky Bobby, when he killed two full grown grizzlies with a single spit of dip from 7 kilometers away. However, after Chenoweth received numerous DUIs, his passion for banging his cousins and growing below average corn slowly faded away and was replaced with a newfound passion: STDs. His new goal was to acquire every STD known to mankind, so he knew there was only one place to go to completely fulfill his dream, Lake Central. Chenoweth quickly transferred to the home of the Indians where he began obtaining STDs in the bathroom stalls and using the excuse of "no friends" to cover what his true scheme was. He now just bangs girls on the reg.  

"Exit Quote" -Colin Chenoweth 

Nikola Tepsic

Co-Writer, Resident Escaped Zoo Animal, Legacy Operations Technician

Nikola "Who?" Tepsic bravely swam his way from the filthy stain of Europe that some call "Serbia," to further his education but unfortunately for him he ended up at Lake Central High School instead. Now, after being acquainted to the American lifestyle, Nikola now has a strong lust for lifted trucks and women clad in neon orange and real tree camouflage. In a simple day in the life of Nikola Tepsic you can find him chugging beer and whipping pennies at students in the parking lots of local elementary schools. After whipping the pennies at young boys, Tepsic quickly swoops in to steal their adolescent girlfriends always saying the same thing "Hey, I think I'm having a party this weekend you should come through," but always cancels on the day of. On his free time, Tepsic enjoys being curved by girls and pretending he is on the soccer team.  

"How could you drink a drink but not food a food?" -Nikola Tepsic

Together this ambiguously gay trio has left a stain on the underpants that we call Lake Central with their poorly organized, incredibly dry, and the least funny stories that LC has ever seen. This triad of incompetent and overly confident shit-heads want to sincerely apologize for the horribly written content that they have subjected to each and every one of you.

Lake Central Becomes Leading Distributor of Adderall

Throughout the last several days, the amount of adderall going around Northwest Indiana has increased 27 times over. With this increase, Lake Central has become the leading exporter of adderall in the world. 

Despite not being its own country, nations from all over the world are reaching out to the low key distributors of Lake Central for their daily dosage of adderall. For instance, Russian president Vladimir Putin and North Korean Dictator Kim Jung Un ordered 6 kilos of adderall each from Lake Central.  Putin refused to release a statement when it was brought up during the UN meeting over the weekend, however Kenyan Leader Uhuru Kenyatta was not hesitant to make a comment, "Foh you know them Russians always be plottin shit boi them motherfuckas crazy as hell, damn killin a handle of vodka in one pull head asses."

Though no one knows the exact reason behind such a large order, we could only assume that former principal Mr. Tobias has some type of influence on this. "Me and Robin go way back, we've been moving bricks since I was in the 2nd grade," stated one Lake Central student who wished to keep his name anonymous,"we started off small, you know from selling coke to heroin to krokodil, then we moved to the big boy stuff: adderall. That's when they took him away." In spite of known allegations of money laundering throughout his years in the Lake Central Administration, the same source confirmed that he was in fact taken away for drug trafficking. 

Teachers and students alike were torn up when the news was spread around Laks Central. "It's just such a shame, he was a great guy and always had the kids in mind," said one Lake Central teacher. "Plus... You know... He was my plug." Tobias was actually apart of a large drug cartel and went by the name of Juan Pablo Tobiasio before taking the job at Lake Central as a front. 

Tobias is rumored to be reinstated soon, despite the legality problems revolving around the allegations, much of the school gets its revenue during finals season and the increase in demand in Adderall. Records say that a majority of money collected to build the new school came from a file named "Gainz" that was kept on Tobias' computer. Though Tobias no longer "runs shit" at LC, he passed the torch of illegal trafficking to former school police officer known by his street name, "Fred." We were able to reach him in his penthouse suite overlooking Time Square in New York yesterday for a interview, and after a long and rigorous interrogation from his team of attornies, we were able to ask him a few questions. "Fam let me tell you one thing about the adderall business..." We were unable to construct the rest of the words due to the abundance of donuts being eaten at the time. 

Tobias and Lake Central will continue their front as a local high school, while the thriving drug business continues to fund their lavish expansions. 

White Boy Raps About Another White Boy, Who Is The Real Loser?

Lake Central senior, Jorey Dimopolous, demonstrates why the rap game is still reserved to African Americans with his new "Sausage Remix" about LC sophomore Brad Loden.

Fellow senior James Mays released the hot new mix bashing Loden Wednesday afternoon on his Twitter account. The thirty second dis track consisted of lines such as "Cheer is a sport and my name is," with the rest of the LC baseball team shouting "BRADLEY," in response. Though funny and quick witted, the success of this particular rap will not make people forget about the atrocities Dimopolous dropped under the alias of "AlMightyJury." Though Jorey's peers thought that the raps were barbaric, they received critical acclaim by current rap sensations such as Chief Keef, Lil Durk, and even Andy Milonakis.  LC Onion researchers looked for the original songs, but soon realized that he made the infinitely wise decision to delete the links and destroy all evidence of these songs ever existing.

Many praised the new "Sausage Remix" but others believed it was much too easy. "Jorey really didn't push himself on this one," claims one LC junior. "Brad is too easy of a target. There is so much material to work with, the rap almost wrote itself," he continued. We asked Dimopolous where his inspirations for writing such a degrading rap came from. He replied, "you know, I basically just took a couple of his tweets and added 'they call me' to the end of them. His tweets are embarrassing enough, Brad really did the heavy lifting for me. I just had to add in the bit about him being curved and I knew I had an instant hit."

While both parties of this Twitter beef have their pros and cons, most students have agreed on the who real loser in this whole situation was: Munster. Munster baseball player, Connor Manous released a similar remix approximately an hour after Mays did on Wednesday. All who watched the poorly prepared video were instantly hit with the lack of sagacity that the Munster sports team had presented. "I didn't know this beforehand, but I completely forgot that these were supposed to be funny," said Manous. "We were hoping the neanderthal dancing in the background and the poor beat would distract people from the fact that we repeated the line 'bangs on the daily' but I'm not sure if it did the trick," he added.

Local Heroes: Jaren Mercer, Hoe Exposer

The Nobel Peace Prize, one of the most highly esteemed awards in the world. It comes with no surprise that one of Lake Central's very own students is up for the award.

Jaren Mercer lives a simple life. He wakes up every morning, puts his camo skinny jeans on one leg at a time and sags them like the rest of us, but what makes him so special? To win would put him among some of the most influential people in the world, such as Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama. However, Mercer fits right into the mix. They all preach the enlightened truth. Mercer, however, stands out from the rest. Unlike the President and the Dalai Lama, Jaren doesn't preach the teachings that were passed on from century from century, he creates his own truth. 

We were able to settle down with Mercer for a interview. He gave us some insight on the new course he's teaching at Harvard Unversity, "Bitches Ain't Shit but Hoes and Tricks 101." Due to an overwhelming amount of students enrolled in the course, Mercer will have to teach the class at Gillette Stadium, the home of the defending Super Bowl Champions, the New England Patriots.  "I swear foh, these hoes always lowkey plottin some shit. If it takes more than 4.6 seconds for her respond to your text, she's cheating on you fam," stated Mercer in one of his first lectures. We asked him why he slanders women on a day to day basis, he responded with "My guy I've been fucked over 17 times since my freshman year. I have more trust with Ray Rice in a elevator than with these hoes."

The astonishing thing about Jaren is his ability to withstand the plethora of obstacles thrown his way. "If I were to win, the first person to thank is my exes, they've made me everything I am today." Mercer frequently credits every flaw about him, not to himself, but to his terrible exes. As Jaren puts in his own words from his Twitter account: "@ovo_jam: If it wasn't for my ex I'd probably be a 10x better person but I'd also be 10x dumber so idk" Not surprisingly, past Nobel Peace Prize winners have said the same thing. "Man, Michelle needs to chill wit dat health food bullshit," said President Obama after receiving the NPP. "Bitches annoyed my ass so much I literally gave that shit up," said the Dalai Lama. 

Mercer pulled his phone from his pocket a copious amount of times throughout the interview, exaggerating his fire tweets. "Damn boi this shits gonna get numbers," added Mercer as he thought of "chill lacking" tweets and sent them all to his draft folder. After interviewing Mercer, we sat down with all of his past exes  to see how the experience of dating this enlightened individual really was. "I hated every second of it," stated one girl, "it was like dating a broken record. He was constantly arguing about something." Another girl added, "I totally agree. Like, one time I told him I was going out to eat for my grandma's 78th birthday, and he started accusing me of cheating. He was like 'Is your grandma's name Jamal?' and 'Is your grandma bought to run a Randy Moss go route into your pants?' like who's Randy Moss?" The overwhelming presence of irritation filled the room the more Mercer's exes discussed their relationship. "I literally didn't even do anything," one ex stated. "He dumped me when my dad dropped me off at his house."

Mercer hopes to spread his knowledge and preach his never ending quibble through Twitter until he raises enough funding to start his new church. The church will be called "The First 'Fuck That Bitch' of Nazarene."

NWI Region Voted Worst Spring Break Destination for 3rd Year Running

The Region was, once again, voted the worst place to spend your spring. With the unsatisfactory weather, lack of activities, and over abundance of snapchat stories of your friends appearing to have a better time than you, there is no worse place to be than NWI.

Though NWI has worn this badge of ignominy proudly for the passed three years, it was beaten out in 2012. When Superstorm Sandy hit the east coast, many people reluctantly changed their votes to the storm stricken area in pity. Many speculate that the fear of being impaled by a splinter of wood traveling at 80 MPH was the ONLY thing that gave the east coast an edge over the Region. 

Some LC students were lucky enough to escape the depressing grasp of the "219" by traveling South. Students such as Danielle Morang, Gabby Gomez, Nanny Gomez, Brooke Renner, and Paige Plaut had the opportunity to go to Florida and experience it in a different way, through their iPhone screens. "You know, the feeling of the sun on your skin and the sounds of the waves in the ocean are great and all, but the best feeling is recording it all knowing my friends are freezing their ass off," said Morang. "I agree, but the best part of Florida for me is the Instagram likes I get from it," added Nanny Gomez who had a staggering 8 Instagram posts in the short time of one week. On top of all beaches and great weather that comes along with Florida, Plaut was able to find another great quality about that state. "They do pretty cheap skin operations, so I got the classic 'Reverse Michael Jackson' and it turned out great," stated Plaut who won't shut the hell up about how tan she is. 

All the trips to Florida were then over-shadowed by the constant reminder that the drinking age in Mexico is 18. On average, a spring breaker that went to Mexico posted at least 200 seconds of Snapchat stories a day. A staggering 60% of those stories were either pictures of alcoholic beverages or videos of the person drinking said beverage.** 

Though the Region Rats that stayed home were originally annoyed by the idea of everyone posting pictures, they eventually enjoyed it. "It really made me feel like I was there, I really appreciate my friends doing that for me," said no one. 

** These statistics were completely made up, but probably accurate. 

College Football Power Houses Pursue One of Lake Central's Own

Ohio State. Alabama. Oregon. Notre Dame. Penn State. These are only five of the forty-seven schools interested in Lake Central's finest player: Paul Centanni. We might all know Paul from his all star performance in the sectional championship against Merrillville in 2013, where he caught the eye of many coaches, yet not a single pass. 

Standing at a staggering 5'8" 171 pounds, Paul Centanni would be a brick wall if the brick wall was made out of cheap Nikes and Chief Keef albums instead of actual bricks. Centanni's athletic ability has been recognized throughout the region, even getting him recruited for the Bishop Noll novice hockey team. "I can be the enforcer, I can be the playmaker, I can be the goalie, I could do anything on that team" stated Centanni. "But usually coach puts me at left bench," Paul later added.

Though Centanni played the positions of guard and center during his high school career, many of the colleges pursuing him want to change him into a wide receiver. Coach Saint Germain tried vigorously to put Paul at the first string wide receiver position last season, however after multiple threats from current varsity receiver Antwan Davis, he realized his life was more important than a winning season. "Second string? Fam I would of cut him up into strings of spaghetti if he moved me to second string," said Davis, "I'm Antwan Motherfuckin' Davis, I don't need to be in this bullshit school with these white ass kids I'm going D1 baby." He then leaped over us with his "67 inch vert" and 40 yards into the weight room in a jaw dropping 2.6 seconds.

Centanni surprised everyone when stating that he will not be coming back to Lake Central next year, or going to pursue his collegiate career at any of his numerous D1offers. Centanni recently committed to Cash Money Records, where he plans on dropping his "fire" new mixtape next fall.

Centanni insisted that we put his Twitter handle and Instagram name in the article, but we refuse to promote that little douche-nozzle anymore than we already have.

Mr. Tobias Discusses New Ways to Make LC More of a 'Living Hell'

After many successful attempts to make Lake Central the most uncomfortable and miserable place to attend high school, principal Robin Tobias is trying to implement new ways to make kids hate school even more.

Tobias is known for constantly turning down the temperature in the cafeteria, creating the matrix schedule, and then adding a self reflection during the matrix two. "I know it's freezing tits in there," Tobias says. "The cafeteria is as cold as my heart."

Though these strategies are proven to work, Tobias is constantly looking for new ways to make students hate school. "Kids seem to like sporting events, so those will be gone pretty soon," says Tobias. "We plan on replacing the athletic office with a Freshman labor factory. The Freshman will be producing uniforms which we will then sell back to students." Tobias also plans on inviting the Westboro Baptist Church in to give mandatory sermons every Monday and Friday before school. 

"It's disheartening when we hear that students still have school spirit when we try so hard to make this as bad as an experience as possible," says Tobias. "We hope by the end of next year we will not only have replaced the weight room with a second, shittier, library but also have brought back I-Step to all students K-12," says Tobias as he describes just one way to make his school less welcoming.

We asked Tobias where his inspiration comes from when it comes to making little kids sad, "I've always had a passion for making kids cry. When deciding a career, I toyed around with the idea of being a dentist or a clown but I knew the only way to get the most satisfaction out of my job I'd have to become a principal."